Another Seattle police officer speaks out and it's heart wrenching

To the people and my friends of Seattle and surrounding area. Today you lost a good one.

I have heard from many people, both pro-cop and anti-cop friends that I’m “one of the good ones” and they “wish all officers were like me.” That I’m fair, kind, understanding, loving, and a great guy. I am still that guy. But my heart is no longer in it. I work with an amazing group of people, people who got into this job as a calling. A calling to help people. Officers who when they hear people are being shot, stabbed, raped, robbed feel the call to try their best to protect life and property. And place themselves between the violent and the victim. And even take those wounds.. A department of people who recognize the past failures and have committed to try to correct the mistakes of the past and work towards a better future. Recognize their own biases and mistakes and learn about others to be more fair, caring, and understanding. Who were as disgusted and upset at the callous murder of George Floyd as the general public and wanted justice to be served. Officers who called out the actions of those officers and wanted them out and charged.

And for a moment, I had hope. Hope that something beautiful and good could come from it. In the last week, that hope has been extinguished. I am all about reform. I am all for accountability. And I am all about ensuring justice for all. And my department is a national leader in all of that. In the last years I’ve attended community meetings, made a point to get to know the people in the area I work (a largely minority community), and worked with people from other social agencies to improve our effectiveness and bring about better results when people need help beyond what I am trained to do.

But the actions of the last two weeks have shown me that does not matter. Progress counts for nothing. Discussion is off the table. Unity to address problems is dismissed.
I have been working 12-16 hour days for almost two weeks, trying my best to protect lives and property and ensure that those who want to march and have their voices heard are able to do so. But even when officers were simply blocking intersections to protect people marching or stationed around marchers as we’ve done thousands of times in the past, it was nothing but insults, death threats, and assaults by rocks, frozen water bottles, beer bottles, fireworks, flammable substances, and explosives. I’ve heard my black coworkers called traitors, Uncle Toms, and the N word, by white people. I’ve heard other minority officers slandered and singled out. Officers that I know and am friends with. People I know who joined hoping to make a difference and bring about change. Be that person that someone can directly relate to, because of a shared background. It made me sick and broke my heart for them.

I can take insults and threats. I understand people are angry about what happened, I am too. But this time has shown me that this area in general does not want me around. Despite numerous steps and advancements, personally and as a department, it mattered for nothing. There was no chance for connection and conversation. People were not interested in what anyone on my side of the line had to say. I heard what protesters where saying, heard their hurt, and spent a lot of time thinking about it, trying to at least partially understand and take it to heart.

But I legitimately don’t feel this community wants me or any other officers around. The community seems to feel this city and area would be better with no officers on duty, nobody willing to answer the calls for help.

I have stood next to officers while they were shot, attacked, injured. I have held people as they died in my arms, doing everything I could to try to fend off death. Heard the screams of people finding out their loved one was never coming home. Held people as they cried asking me “why?” Why did this happen to them or their family members and felt helpless because I had no answers. Pulled mangled bodies from accident scenes. Chased armed people, murders, and robbers through the dark. Been shot at, had people pull weapons on me or try to take my gun while threatening to kill me. Attended funerals for officers who were killed trying to save victims of domestic violence and robbery. I have gone home and cried myself to sleep at the lives I couldn’t save. And then got up the next day and gone back to try to do better and do this job to the highest standard. And I serve with officers who have done all that and more. Because we care, deep in our core.

But despite all of that it seems like we are not wanted. We are looked at as worse than the criminals we try to stop from harming people. And more than that, I feel as if this city would not just be indifferent if I or a fellow officer were killed, they want it. This week has shown me the city's true colors and I don’t know how to reckon with the fact that I could lose my life trying to protect a city that will protest my funeral and cheer when I'm laid in the ground. And it has made me consider leaving it all behind. Abandon my calling to serve, help, and protect. So no matter what side of anything you are on, please consider the ramifications of some of the things you are demanding. Because at some point even the strongest “good ones” may walk away. I am not there yet, but I am close. I am praying for the strength to continue. To be the change I want to see. But I don’t know how much more I have left. Or how much my brothers and sisters have left.

(To be clear, I have not quit. But I am seriously re-evaluating where I go from here)

https://www.facebook.com/josh.vaaga/posts/10219972450774026